Peace of mind...

It's been a weird month...

How to describe in words everything that I have been through? Emotions, feelings, mentally, physically, all the different responses that I've had... There's no real way to put it down, it just is what it is, and has been. They are what make me, what shape me, what also breaks me.

All I can do right now is just keep on looking forward, just push on and be ready to face whatever come along the road. Take things slow, try to think before acting, I haven't been good at doing this, I've just been a loose cannon. Sometimes it is a good thing, but not all the time, and this I've learned the hard way. Like most things...

Now that I'm looking back at was has been of April, it's just overwhelming to realize all that has happened, I don't think I've had a month that has been as crazy as this one. Well yeah maybe one or two, but the difference is that this one for some reason I feel like it has shaped my personality, and just my way of being, thinking, acting, and just my entire view on life.

May is up ahead...
May is a hard month for me...
I have never had such a hate-love relationship with any other month like the one I have with May...

After all, May is my month...
May...

>_<

Around the corner...

Well...
Somehow I survived the month of April...

A lot of shit has gone down...
Waaayyyy too much shit...
Oh well, at least I can say that life has not been boring... hehe...

Now May is around the corner and it's gonna be interesting... I dunno, I still have mixed feelings about this month. I love it and all, but it's just difficult.

I dunno... this year it's probably not gonna be any more easy... it's never easy... at least not for me...

=oP

I'm tired... I'm going to bed...

New brakes, organizing stuff & sleeping...

Among the few things that I was able to do, finish, and tryout...

I'm happy that I finally got to change the brakes on my bike. In fact I'm so happy that I want to change the front wheel brakes as well, but unfortunately there seems to be a shortage of the kind that I want... go figure, oh well... Anyhow at least now I don't have to worry about zipping and slidin' all over the place, it was getting kind of annoying not being able to stop the bike when I wanted to... That and also the nearly one hundred times I almost got hit by a car or the times I almost ran over some unaware pedestrian... my bad on that one.

Today I also got the time to clean up files on my pc, and organize the mofo a bit. It's been a task that I have left in to the wind and it was starting to annoy me. A lot of old shit which I really didn't need anymore. Since I'm also kinda broke I can't afford to buy a new HD right now. Hhhmmmm... I need to get that and a DVD burner, dammit... Oh well, I'll see how things go in May and I might get it towards the middle of June, or in early July...

At work also I got good news... since I've been at Acro for two years now, in May I'm gonna be eligible for their pension program and stuff... I gotta look into that and research a bit on it. Now because of some 'issues' it might be tricky for me, but oh well... Not like I haven't done my homework before and came up on top of 'things'... We'll see how that goes!

I need to finish up on a couple of things... I need to check Spice's HD's and let see what else... uuummm... I need to get on the new roomie situation as well... I've just been all over the place right now and haven't been concentrating on the shit I need to get done... eerrrggghh...

Shit I gotta call David as well... he has some PC issues he wants me to fix, and let's see, see Ben his invoice... uuumm... I think that's it for now...

Man, oh man.. April's been a crazy month... I know May's gonna be even crazier... I gotta get on my shit.

What the hell just happened?!?!?

...
hhhmmmmmm...
uuummmm...
yes...
no...
maybe...
should I even try to understand?!?

Take it one day at a time?
I guess...

It is indeed a weird friendship... and yes noone really understands it... do we really want other people to understand it? well they don't have to, I mean after all I guess that's why it's our friendship.

This is, I dunno... how to take this ?
I guess it's just part of what we are... I guess that's why we are friends... I guess you are right and no matter what happends we are always gonna be there one for the other...

So what if it's too complicated... we are complicated, life is complicated, it's just what it is... it's never easy... it's not supposed to be, right? It would be boring if it were...

So what if we are both not on the same page... at least I can say that we agree on one thing. Correct me if I'm wrong, but we both enjoy each other's company(ok, so maybe not a lot when we fight and shit goes down) and I think it would be a big mistake if we just try to make that disappear. I hate it when I can't find the words in the moment, I dunno, I'm just never the kind of person that can just say it in the moment. You know me, I'm much better when I write things down, or type them for that matter.

Anyhow I guess it's just one of those things that we can't control, we just can't say or just put a stop to it. It's just not that easy, it's just something that has to take it's course, you said that in the end you don't want it to end in someone having resentment for the other... I don't think that something like that will happend in the end, unless we really decided in some harsh decision like stop talking to each other and ended like that(like we tried).

Who knows, maybe this is just one of those bumps in the road. A trial... or I dunno, something like that.
Don't ever say that you are not 'worth it'... If anything I believe I'm the one that doesn't deserve to have someone like you. I mean who else would treat me the way you do... Especially after all the shit that we have been through together. The reality is that anyone else would just have had enough of it and just walked away... yet for some reason you're always there...

I appreciate that... More than you know...
I guess that's why you are really worth it, and that's the reason as to why I just keep on coming back and try to put my feelings on the side(even thought I don't do a good job from time to time)...

Oh well... I dunno what else to say... except that you make my day happier... It doesn't matter if we are or aren't talking... actually if we are talking you really make me happy. I dunno what the hell I'm saying now... I should just stop... ok I'm stopping here...

=oD

A smile for you...
Thanks for being my friend...

Your friend...

me...



=o]

Luuuccckkkyyyy!!!

Oh yes!
It was sweet!
I'm telling you I couldn't believe it when it happened!!

I found my lost keys!!!!

YAY!!!!

I think this is even sweeter since I had given up on ever finding them ever again, and all of a sudden while looking for something else I found them! Now the mystery dumbfounds me...
I found them at the 'lost & found' at my work... BUT... the day I lost them I actually locked the place from the outside... uuuummmm... how the hell did they ended up there?!?

Ummm... I dunno, maybe someone found them on the steps outside?!? or... I left them hanging on the door?!?! eerrrgghh... I dunno, anyhow I found them and I'm soooooooo happy!

So funny how small things can just change the mood of someone in a day.

Oh yeah!

>=oP

Good mood...

It's been some time since I'va felt this good about anything... I dunno, it's just that I woke up on Friday and everything felt like it was in place. I love this feeling...

=P

Things went good on Friday... Hopefully Saturday will be the same...

=)

On a side note...

On Tuesday Danielle came to see where I live for the first time.

=oP

She's going through so much right now that I dunno what to do. Definitely in such a short time I have been able to get to know a lot about her. It's funny that I have met a lot of ppl in my lifetime(sometimes I think it's been waaaaay too much), but I don't think I've known so much about someone in such a little time frame of knowing them.

Also I've realize that I have opened my personal life to her more than any other person. I wish I could do that more often and let her know more of the past that I've decided to 'forget' and leave in the past. I dunno, sometimes I think it's better not to remember it and just leave it where it belongs. In the past...

Hhhhmmmm... oh well...
All in due time I guess...
For now I just wanna appreciate what little time we spend around each other.

=oP

It's a bad sign...

When two days after getting paid you know you are broke for the rest of the month...

FUCK!

My "expensive" lifestyle is getting me fucked over... because you know all the 'bling' that I buy and the cars and bitches and ho's... uuuuhhhh ... yeah all that...

I need to put a leash on my ass and figure out why I seem to always be broke... Last year I was making less money and still managed to get by... hhhmmm...

Besides I know that next month it's gonna be spend-o-rama month... Fuck man...

I need to get a better paying job. I love working with the kids and it really makes me happy, but it's just not paying the rent anymore... well it is, but at the price of other things...

I gotta start thinking of a new money 'managing' plan and quick. I guess eating out almost all the time ain't helping that much either. But then again I'm hardly ever at home, so just buying groceries is kinda absurd... or is it?

I dunno... I've gotta get my shit together because if I continue like this by next year I'll be probably owing my ass to someone...

not a pretty sight...

hhhmmmm...

Oh well I'm not going anywhere for a while anyways, haha!

>_<

Oh the pain...

Shit!!!

I'm feeling it... It was the first time I've trained in over a week and I'm fucking hurtin'!
Now I remember why I always dreaded to stop my training... Oh well...

Moving around tomorrow will hurt a little bit. I need to get back into shape...

Ugh...

Orion

Ever since I was a kid, oh I dunno maybe 11 or 12 or something I was fascinated by this constellation. For many years when I needed something to lift my 'spirit' I usually looked up to the heavens and try to get some inspiration from it.

Unfortunately you can only see it during the winter time all the way 'til oh maybe late July, or early August, then after that because of the change of seasons you have to either wait until the wee hours of the morning to see it, or look for pictures of it online or in an astronomy book, hehe...

Anyhow here's a bit of info on the mythology behind it:

"Perhaps second only to the Big Dipper in Ursa Major, the constellation of Orion is one of the most recognizable patterns of stars in the northern sky. Orion, the hunter, stands by the river Eridanus and is accompanied by his faithful dogs, Canis Major and Canis Minor. Together they hunt various celestial animals, including Lepus, the rabbit, and Taurus, the bull.

According to Greek mythology, Orion was in love with Merope, one of the Seven Sisters who form the Pleiades, but Merope would have nothing to do with him. Orion's tragic life ended when he stepped on Scorpius, the scorpion. The gods felt sorry for him, so they put him and his dogs in the sky as constellations. They also put all of the animals he hunted up there near him. Scorpius, however, was placed on the opposite side of the sky so Orion would never be hurt by it again."

For more info you can go to the site here.
Or just click this one...
Or if you wanna know more details info on the mythology go here!

I love that the skies are clear tonight...

The Hedgehog Dilemma

"The hedgehog's dilemma states that the closer two beings come to each other, the more likely they are to hurt one another; however if they remain apart, they will each feel the pain of loneliness.

This comes from the idea that hedgehogs have spines on their backs. If they come close to one another, the spines of each will hurt the other.

This is analogous to a relationship between two human beings. If two people come to care about and trust each other, something bad that happens to one of them will hurt the other as well, and dishonesty between the two could cause even greater problems."

I dunno what the hell I'm doing anymore, I should go to bed. I gotta go teach tomorrow and I don't really feel like it.

My hand is hurting...

...

Sometimes I forget...

That I have a lot of great and wonderful music which I never listen to a lot anymore...

Tonite as I was walking back home the shuffle on the Ipod picked Johann Sebastian Bach's "Jesus bleibet meine Freude" (Trans: Jesu. Joy of Man's Desiring). I just love that piece, it's so soothing. It has a gentle sutilness to it... I dunno, I just love listening to it.

I was trying to search for the history behind this piece and it's actually part of the Cantata BMV 147 "Herz und Mund Tat und Leben" (Trans: "Heart and mouth and deed and life"). It was composed in the year 1723 in Leipzig, with it's 1st performance on July 2, 1723.

It's just interesting to try and find the history on several things, sometimes you find out that there's a whole lot to learn about things that surround us. I dunno... I love to sometimes just lose myself in random stuff like that... I just need something to keep me occupied...

I dunno... I'm all over the place with thoughts tonight. It never does get easy, I just wish it would sometimes...

It's official...

Yup, Captain Morgan and Red Bull... NASTY!

Actually it's not that bad, but the hang over is not pretty... especially when you're all wired from the Red Bull... Oh well... Headache!

It's a sunny ass day, I love it, too bad I can't get out right now because we gotta show the room to a couple of peeps that are coming in during the day... oh well...

I'm actually not in the showing the room mood right now... I guess I party my ass off a little bit too much... Oh well... I have a lot of shit I gotta get done today, but it's pointing towards as if I'm not gonna get a lot of it done.

Tisk, tisk... shame on me!

Uuuuummmm...

Ok, so I haven't been able to get any sleep at all...

Too much Red Bull, and Rum?!?!?
I just realized that my camera has gum all over it... uuummm... no comment...
WELL...

At least I didn't loose my wallet or keys... or cash... or ID... which I guess it's a good thing...

Meh!!!

I left the captain's bottle in Jodie's car thought... haha...

I need sleep!!!

=oP


I'm all about non-violence man!

Danielle

=o)

A smile for you...

I really never thought you would read my thoughts... my "diary" so to speak. I dunno I guess if it's online like this it's not as private, but oh well...

I gotta say that at least you got to know my feelings... or at least the ones that I am never able to tell you in person...

I dunno... It's ackward but at the same time it makes me happy... It was never intensional (sp?) for you to read them... But at the same time I'm glad that you got to read them...

I dunno...

There's nothing else I can do but just smile, and hope for the best in the future...

=oD

It's been one year...

A year ago I got the call from Georgia asking me to go pick my granny up from her dialysis, because they thought she needed to be admitted to the emergency room... That day I was so happy to go teach my kids but it all changed because I spent it all with my granny at the emergency room...

Little did I know that that was the last time she would go home... She spent the next month and two weeks in pain... She would never see the place she called home for the past 24 years... I dunno... It's so funny... I was 'hangin' near the place... It felt weird, I just wasn't myself at all...

Time passes, and things change in so many ways...

It's scary... sometimes it's just feels like it's normal... but sometimes it's just I dunno... hard, strange, new...

I dunno... I miss you granny... I'm just sorry... I was a punk when you were alive.

You have taugh me more than you will ever know...

=o)

Why do I care...

because I think you rock...
because it feels like home when I'm with you...
because even thought you don't like to admit it, we are great together...
because we are so different...
because we are so alike...
because I love it when your voice wakes me up in the morning...
because you love kids, even thought they terrify you...
because I admire you for what you are, and for what you will become...
because you hate it when I "look" at you that way...
because I love your crazy ideas...
because even though we fight, we always find comfort in each other...
because we can talk for hours and not say anything...
because you still remind me of the time I threw the "hoodie" at your face...
because you love the sun rays hitting you on a warm sunny day...
because I've discovered so many things about myself thanks to you...
because we can have long pauses of silence in our conversations without feeling ackward...
because we will grow up to be old together...
because you make promises, when you know I don't like to make them...
because you admitted that I hurted your feeling when I left...
because we fight a lot, but in reality we are just getting to know each other better...
because you hate it when I talk about your "circle time"...
because I want to help you even thought you always never let me...
because you make me smile when I'm around you...
because I know you are hurting and I want to make you feel better...
because you always delete the pictures we take together...
because I get mad when you don't pay attention...
because you always seem to know what I'm gonna say...
because we are always sorry for what we did even thought we know everything is ok...
because your smile brightens up my day...
because you always turn your back on me...
because we both care a lot about each other...
because you are my friend...
because we talk more to each other than any other person...
because you listen to me and my problems...
because you have shared your issues with me...
because we love each other's company...
because I can drunk call you and you never seem to care...
because you will always be there for me...
because we are the "little people"...
because my heart dies everytime you go away...
because you really have feelings for me...
because we love giving each other stickers...
because we use the expression "I dunno" more than anyone else in the world...
because you have a heart so big, that you would help the world if you could...
because I love you more than you know, even thought you don't share the same feeling and probably never will.

Maybe someday you will realize the reason for why I care for you the way that I do.

No more rain!!!

Hehehe... ok it's understandable when it rains a couple of days... hell a week, it's ok I guess, but FUCK for three weeks now(or is it four)?? that's fucking ridiculous.

I guess I wouldn't mind as much if I wasn't sick, yep AGAIN! This sucks man, not only am I sick but I'm also hungry! Ugh!

Oh well, at least I get to do some stuff at home and also get up to date with bills and stuff. Oh man... this sucks... I'm just moody right now... I'm sore as a mofo! I went to train yesterday, and even thought I had a lot of fun and felt good about moving again I'm sooooo fucking sore. I need to eat something... I'm waaaayyy too moody... let's see... what to eat?

hhhhmmm...

Meeeh! I dunno... oh well...
I hope the rain goes away... At least I got to see the sun a bit yesterday...

=oD

It's that moment when I realize...

A lot of things have been going in my mind... A lot of things have happened lately... good, and bad... Overall I guess they balance out in a way, or so I say. I try to convince myself that they are but in reality I don't even know if they do. I would try to make sense of it all, but I think that for my sanity I just have to let those things be in the past.

My sanity... haha... what is sanity...?!?

Let's see let me google the definition... one moment please...

Main Entry: san·i·ty : the quality or state of being sane; especially : soundness or health of mind

hhhhmmmm... health of mind...

Anyways back to my point... which is my point? I ponder and ponder about it all the time and I'm not even sure. I'm so indecisive on my decisions... Right now I'm all over the place.
I'm not ready to let her go, but I know that I have to. How to do it? When to do it? Should I even do it? I don't know... It sucks... I don't know what the fuck I'm doing anymore. Why does this have to be so complicated? Fuck... it's all... I dunno anymore...

I'm letting go not because I want to, but because it's the best for both of us... She's already with out foot out the door anyways, she's ready. Besides she's a free spirit, and I'm a lone wolf... That's how it is right? I mean we are so different right? That's just how it is right? I dunno...

It's that moment when I realize that I'm not ready to make any type of decisions... Should I just play it by ear for the next month and a half(or two)??? I dunno...

It's so fucking hard... Am I just stalling the inevitable?!? well the answer to that is yes... unfortunately I am...

It never gets easy...

Dream

Main Entry: dream

1 : a series of thoughts, images, or emotions occurring during sleep -- compare REM SLEEP

2 : an experience of waking life having the characteristics of a dream: as

a : a visionary creation of the imagination : DAYDREAM

b : a state of mind marked by abstraction or release from reality : REVERIE

c : an object seen in a dreamlike state : VISION

3 : something notable for its beauty, excellence, or enjoyable quality

4 :

a : a strongly desired goal or purpose

b : something that fully satisfies a wish :

IDEAL

Lately I've been having a lot of dreams... Sometimes I just hate dreams, because I don't know how to take them. Don't get me wrong I love to dream, I believe that they can surely foreshadow the future to a certain extent. But then again, I've had so many past experiences with them that, I dunno what to think anymore. I think the problem with me right now is that I think way to much about the shtuff that's going on in my life. People are right, the only way to learn is from experience... That has been the age old rule right, I mean after all everyone has different lives and one experience varies from the another. I guess that's why I'm just taking this one day at a time and don't look too much into the future. Because after all what matters is the present.

I remember seeing somewhere a phrase that said... let's see if i can remember...

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present"

Hehehe... ok, so I tried to remember it but I ended up searching for it online...
Found it here. Nice website with a couple to "Past, Present, Future" quotes.

=o)

On a side note: "I just love it when I can help ppl. When I know that whatever I did or said was able to help them, it makes me happy" =oP

Dreaming...

Today it felt like I was dreaming... During the course of one day things have changed from black to white... Just like the weather the rain stopped, and suddenly the sun was shining once again...
I really don't know where this path will lead to but I have decided to just take it on and walk throught it. Like something that can only be seen in movies, or I dunno, something you read in books, or watch on TV; my friendship with Danielle suddenly was there again. I guess it's one of those things that neither of us wants to let go of. I really don't know why but it is as if we both need each other, or some force just keeps us from falling apart. It's so strange because... I dunno I can't explain it...

After work we went out for a walk in the park. It was a sunny day, and just like it our friendship was shining again, sure it's not all perfect but I'm happy. Since Saturday my life had been hell, but after today I know everything will be alright. Of course there's that one decision I have yet to make, and I think that I will have to let my feelings for her loose since I truly treasure her as a friend and I've come to realize that she's not at point in her life where she wants to have a relationship(or serious relationship for that matter). Only time will tell...

It's gonna be hard, but for now or at least tonite I don't want to worry about that. At least for tonight I know that we both are on the same page about one thing; we have strong feelings for each other and we are happy being in each others company.

Tonite I'm ready to smile again...

=oD

I just can't do it...

This past weekend I thought it was the one that crossed the line. It was the straw that broke the camel's back(or something like that); after making up my mind, arguing with Danielle over what had happened, and where we stood, I thought the only resolution was to just avoid her at all cost.

No talking, no crossing paths, not even working together anymore... But in the end I did that today and I just can't do it... I'm not ready to just pack my shit and leave. I can't run away from this one... not like I've done in the past.

After avoiding her intentionally at work, I felt like shit. The only thing that I had in my thoughts was her. How she was, how we just ended our conversation(ok so not conversation but text-msg) on Sunday. I'm just not ready to do it, and that's a bad thing, I guess...

Anyhow after thinking about it for a long period of time I had to send her a text message asking how her doctor appointment had gone(her tummy's hurting). I knew that it was gonna be a long shot, and that she might not even reply, but to my surprise she did. She wasn't really convinced about the way the Dr. treated her and she has to go back within the next couple of weeks for a blood exam.

She's going through a lot right now and I don't want to be more of a weight on her, in fact I want to help her, but I just don't seem to be able to do that. I feel like I'm just making the situation worse, and the thing is that I don't know how to make things better. I dunno, maybe it's one of those wrong place, wrong time kinda things.

Actually it's I know how to make her feel better and fix this situation but that involves getting my feelings out of the way, and just letting her go...

I'm in a no-win situation... or at least that's how this all feels...

What to do... ?!?!?

I guess that in the end I'm gonna have to sacrifice my feelings, because in the end she is more precious to me and I don't like it when I see her in pain. I wish things could be more simple.

It sometimes feels like I don't even know what I'm doing...

I know that if she is happy then I'm happy, even if that means hurting and sacrificing my own feelings...

I guess it's one of those 'you gotta let go and lose something to gain another that's even more precious' situations...

I miss her so much...

=o(

Mixed feelings for April & May

I really don't like April or May as much since last year. It's been almost a year since my Granny was admitted to the hospital and diagnose with terminal cancer. It cause a lotta pain for me, as that month and a half was hell. I wish to think that I was ready for that time, but in reality I wasn't even close.

I tried to fool myself that I was in control of things, that I was gonna be able to handle my emotions, and in turn that I could steer throught the situation. But the reality was that it got to a point where it overwhelmed me. I caved in to the pressure, and I ran away from it. It was just too painful for me to see how she was deteriorating one day at a time. In the end I knew that she wanted it to end, that last day I felt it as she looked blankly into my eyes and keep on calling out for my brother and I.

I know that she found her peace with us and that she made up and was able to finally defeat her demons on that day.

I've never ever felt so alone in my life...

Even though I never said it to her I loved her more than she could possibly imagine...

I know you are in a much better place now, and I've realize that I can start to finally move on with my life. But just because I'm moving on, it doesn't mean that I will forget you...

You will always be missed.

R.I.P.
Emma F. Castillo (8/24/1934-5/16/2005)

A studied eye on the human brain...

Interesting article I read today... here's a bit on it...


"...Computers are adept at tasks involving speed and precision such as solving equations, but they could learn a thing or two from the energy efficient human brain.

That is the premise behind the work of Kwabena Boahen, a Stanford scientist who is reverse-engineering portions of the human nervous system, beginning with the relatively simple retina, and applying its lessons to the next generation of electronics.

"From the engineering point of view (the brain) looks sloppy and gooey and slapped together," said Boahen, a native of Ghana who has studied and taught in the United States, and recently joined the Stanford faculty.

Though biological circuits may appear chaotic, Boahen said the brain is able to recognize patterns and learn from experience, two traits scientists would like to mimic in machines..."

Interesting... For more on this click on the title or right here.

A police report...

So finally now I hope the whole lost wallet incident is gonna be over with. I filed the police report for my stolen/missing, stuff. Oh well!

I finally finished doing also Gene's PC and I'm so glad! I knew it was gonna be an easy thing to do but still I'm not in the mood to do shit right now. I'm tired, my throat hurts!!!
It's cloudy outside and it looks like it's gonna rain, ugh! Where the hell is the sun??
I need the sun! Badly! I'm starting to reconsidering moving to a warm place...

Oh well...

April sounds like a good time to change...

Definitely this month is one that sounds like a good time to change. Let's see on Friday night I lost my wallet... oh well... bye, bye credit cards... bye, bye driver's license... bye,bye ID... and bye, bye Kaiser card...

This blows... but oh well, c'est la vie...

At least I will be able to update my addy on my next ID since I hadn't done it since I moved to my new place around a year ago, haha!

Let's see what else??? oh yeah Danielle... it was fun or whatever... I'm done, bye, bye Danielle... bye, bye ugh... I actually don't know what to say bye to anyways... now that I look back at it there really was nothing to really say goodbye to...

Oh well, may she live a long life with her choice...

Damn that's pretty good, it's only two days into the month and I'm already cleaning up!

You just never know what might be next!