Oh well...

What can I say... lately I've been having huge morale boosts...

For one I have started trainning again...

Work has been great...

Then there's the relationship with this person which has improved over the past few days...

Right now things are looking up for me and that makes me really happy. I've been having horrible mood swings lately and it's just nice to have something positive going on.

=o)

I need sleep!
hehe...

From the back of my mind...

Main Entry: Fear
Pronunciation: 'fir
Function: verbtransitive senses
1 archaic : FRIGHTEN
2 archaic : to feel fear in (oneself)
3 : to have a reverential awe of
4 : to be afraid of : expect with alarmintransitive senses : to be afraid or apprehensive- fear·er noun

I really would like to think that I don't fear anything really... But the reality of life is that no matter how fearless you think you are there is always something that's gonna get you. Since lately I've been in a 'self retrospect mode' I have tried to analyze my owm personality through the years and ultimately I've come to one conclusion about what I fear the most.

I realize this fear that I have a long time ago, but for years I denied or just tried to shake it off by not thinking about it. But ultimately I think I have to think and try to overcome it because it just won't do any good to just let it be there. The more I try to deny it the more of a problem it will become, and it will eventually come back to bite me in the ass... Trust me I know how this things work... hhmmm...

Anyhow... I think the reason as to why I really like working with kids and sometimes excel at just working my way with them is that I try my best to not be like my parents... Don't get me wrong, I mean they where always there for me, my brother and I were never without a roof, or a hot meal. My mother worked her ass off to put both of us through the best education we could have, but she worked sooo hard that she was never really there for us. My dad, even though separated from my mom tried his best to always be there for us, but in reality he would be nothing more than just an empty seat. I know he tried his best, but I guess all-in-all he was just trying to find himself, as was my mother.

I love them a lot, and although my communication with them is non-existent I wish them both the best of all the world. This is the root of my greatest fear... The fear of someday me becoming a parent and not being able to be mature enough and not ready to provide all that I can provide to my kids. The fear of becoming my parents is the greatest one I have. Not being able to be there when they are in need of me. Trying to be a 'family', even thought there's no bond between the two 'parental' figures. That is truly my greatest fear...

I guess that's why I try to disguise my fear by playing a 'role model' to kids. Trying to be someone who after all I never truly had when I was growing up...'

I am a horrible person...

"Desperately Seeking Airborne Rodent. Reward!"

Although a weird story, I work a lot with kids and love stuffed animals myself; so I know what this little girl is suffering...

"Time is running out for Mousie the mouse who, tied to two birthday balloons, was last seen soaring helplessly over the Berkeley hills toward points east.

Mousie has been gone for a week now. Mousie's owner, an 11-year-old girl who tied him to the balloons in the first place, is as distraught as an 11-year-old girl can be.

"It's a tragedy,'' said Caroline Nielsen. "I feel terrible. It should never have happened. Mousie is a member of the family.'' "

...

=o(

What was that in my mind again???

You know sometimes I wish I could just write down all the things I think about. Sometimes these thoughts are so random, so quick, so.... full of truth. By the time I want to talk about them all over again I'm already lost on the thought or the moment.

Sometimes I wish I could just say and express what I need to say in the moment. I lack that quality... I keep quiet when I have to say the right stuff, even thought I know what to say.

Sometimes... I wish I could just remember what was that in my mind again...

>.<

Something I forgot...

Main Entry: for·give·ness
Pronunciation: -'giv-n&s
Function: noun: the act of forgiving

Main Entry: for·give
Pronunciation: f&r-'giv, for-
Function: verbInflected
Form(s): for·gave /-'gAv/; for·giv·en /-'gi-v&n/; -giv·ing
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English forgifan, from for- + gifan to givetransitive senses
1 a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital for
b : to grant relief from payment of
2 : to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : PARDON intransitive senses : to grant forgiveness

For some reason it appears as if this word has been completely eliminated from my mind. Now that I look at it, I used to be a forgiving person and would normally shrug off stuff that ppl would do, especially when the thing they did would hurt me.

However somehow around the road I manage to become an angry pissed off person who would look for the way to get back at ppl. Now that I'm analyzing it, this has been going on for some time. Dunno what or when was the thing that changed me, but I've become someone who I'm not. Some event's that happened during the weekend made me realize that I'm not the person that I used to be and it really sucks.

I'm really more happy being the way that I was. Not holding grudges or just being pissed at ppl. Tonight I started changin' by first opening the communication channel with T. See we had this nasty 'episode' during the weekend and well it really pissed me off, since a lot of things were said and some of them really were not meant to be said. Anyhow being mad at her won't change what happend and also I feel bad about some stuff I said and realize that I was waaaay out of line.

Anyhow stuff happen and I called her to apologize for what I said. I was mad at her and I realize that she was sorry also for what she did and in the end everything seems to be ok. Funny...

When it doesn't rain, it just pours...

Well I've been definitely taken a beaten this past couple of days... Oh man, oh man... Bills that come over charged... Classes that have been cancelled... No money... No women... Lot's of drama...

*sigh*

Oh well I guess you can't win all the time huh?

=o/

At least I can say that I'm over the little 'flu' symptoms I had over the last week, and well my pulled tight is a lot better. Heh... See not everything is as bad as it appears...

Although I fucked up big time! Yup, now I gotta figure out a way to make things right with this person I've been meaning to hit it off with but I guess I fucked up big time. What a dumbass... when will I learn?
This is what happens when I try to be too 'cool', haha... Oh well...

I will have to make it up somehow... I guess a card won't do the trick this time...

And why the fuck am I using the '...' so much????

There's so much I wanna tell this person but yet I dunno how. I guess the best way to tell someone the feelings you have towards them is just telling them straight up, although I know that's not the best way sometimes.

*sigh*

I feel like an asshole, and it's probably because I've been one for such a long time. I hate myself for not being able to control my feelings and as always I just go trigger happy and go off on the wrong person.

>.<

I need to get my shit together and FAST, 'cos I'm only screwing myself up over time...

Tisk, tisk...

Oh man... I'm making no sense again...

AS USUAL!

Where is this great evil coming from???

Evil : (from the MERRIAM-WEBSTER Dictionary): 1 a : morally reprehensible : SINFUL, WICKED b : arising from actual or imputed bad character or conduct

...

Although I've been trying to denied it, I've been trying to cope with this feeling for a long time...

I always thought I was a nice person and that I could tolerate anything but I can't...
It's eating me from the inside... It's tearing me apart... I need to do something... I need to...
I'm not the same person I was...

I feel my soul is slowly giving out...

Waste of energy?

Hehehe...

Yup, sometimes the things we do are a waste of time, energy and effort. But then again if you look at a situation like that carefully, you would probably just look back at it and laugh your ass off.

Why?

Well... probably cos you realize that even though you think it's a waste of all the things mentioned above, in a way it's a nice learning experience and in some times it's just funny and then it hits you! YOU HAD A BLAST DOING ALL THAT STUPID SHIT!!!!

That's why even though I've been having a tough time lately I'm not too disappointed, mad or angry at the world. Sure I mean I hated it for a while but now I'm just laughing. Now it's time to move on! Have fun, lookk for some new project which is gonna spend all that time, energy and effort AGAIN!

Hehehe...

I need to write more on this mofo...

I'm off to go partying...

Lata!