A hard day...

Lately I've been having a tough time. Waking up in the morning has been hard, and it's not what it used to be. It was really hard for me to go teach at Acro today especially the first class, and apparently it showed since a few of the nannies/parents noticed this and tried to cheer me up.

Some of them actually asked me about Danielle and I just felt my heart droppin down to the floor. It's just really hard for me right now to face the fact that she's gone and I won't see her in some time. Chaguis tried to lift my mood but it's, I dunno... I guess it's just a process I've got to go through, and the only thing I can hope for is that it will be all ok.

It's hard when your best friend/family/love/special person, is not around there to just talk to. Now that I look back on it I realize that a lot of the bad things that happened were probably because of my wrong doin'. Maybe if I had done things differently things would had been much better. Oh well... maybe not, maybe things would have been much more worse. Anyhow one thing is for sure, and that is that she really came into my life at just the right moment... I was having a tough time coping with myself and she just lifted my spirits up.

She would always ask me why I would always be 'nice' to her when she was not reciprocating that feeling. The reason is simple, and that is that I'm grateful for what she has done, aside from the fact that the bond that we have is special. Maybe we are not meant to be together, but we have something special and we can't deny it. It's hard to explain... it's hard to understand... it is just what it is...

=o)

I know she cares... I know she loves me... I know she misses me... because I know that she knows I feel the same way...

It is indeed a hard time for me in my life...

C'est la vie...

Finding myself...

Well I have to start somewhere... I have to definitely find myself again in the midst of all this confusion and madness. I have been analyzing the various conversations that I've had with ppl and also my behavior and I've reach the decision that I am definitely in a small state of depression... I mean it's only understandable after what has happened so I have to definitely start moving myself and get out of it.

How to do that??? Uuuummmm the hell do I know, but I definitely know that moving my body and just being a little bit active will help a lot. I've decided that I will start training Capoeira again and we'll see how that goes... Also since the San Francisco 'summer-like' weather has started I've decided to start biking more 'again'. On Monday for instance I went just biking throughout the city and it was fun. Went off-roading for a little bit and just randomly went places... Golden Gate Park, Ocean Beach, Cliffhouse, Legion of Honor... it was fun, although I couldn't achieve my goal which was to bike into the Presidio all the way to the Golden Gate, but oh well... I had lunch with Luanda and that made up for it.

Things will be ok... I mean they are always good with me, it's only that I have to find the positive side to things... which in reflection I think was the one thing I usually never did when D was here... =(

I fucked up on that one...

Oh well... I know she would love this one shot...




=oP

Mellow days...

Definitely these past couple of days I think that have been mellow... Well maybe 'mellow' is not the exact word for them. Maybe 'slow'?

I dunno, yesterday I had a moment... It hit me that Danielle is not here anymore. It was weird because I realized how much she had become a part of my life, I mean we would always talk on the phone or just see each other every day. Saturday was the first time in a looooonnngg time in which we didn't have any type of contact.

=(

Oh well...

I just took her for granted when she was here. She I dunno, I guess it's one of those 'you never miss it 'til it's gone' type of thing. C'est la vie... c'est la vie...

=)

I'll see her in the future... I guess.

Done partying...

Oh yes... Today I finally hit the point when you realize that it's fun to party but you also have to take a rest and let your body recover. This whole month has been kinda like a blur for me, in between partying, working, Danielle leaving, and just overall craziness things have been kinda surreal.

Oh well.. I gotta say that I had a lot of fun this month. Good times, bad times, it was all good. I definitely have a 'love/hate' relationship with May.

=o)

Time to move on... time to see what's beyond the horizon.

Something to think about...

This is what you find randomly sometimes...

"The 14 signs of a soul mate


14. If you argue and fight with them, you still cant get them out of your mind...

13. When you're on the phone with them late at night and they hang up but you miss them already when it was just five minutes ago...

12. You read their texts over and over again...

11. You walk really slow when you're with them...

10. You feel shy whenever you're with them...

9. When you think about them, your heart beats faster and faster...

8. You smile when you hear their voice...

7. When you look at them, you can't see the other people around
you... all you see is him/her...

6. You start listening to slow songs, while thinking of them...

5. They become all you think about...

4. You get high just from their scent and their kiss...

3. You realize that you're always smiling to yourself when you think about them...

2. You would do anything for them...

1. While reading this, there was one person on your mind the whole time..... "

Cats should play with other cats...

And that my friend is very true...

"Meow..."

Daiyoubu...

;oP

Goodbye...

Maybe some day I'll say the words that I meant to say to you tonight...

My B-day party....

It was fun... I never had so much fun... ok so maybe in quite a while... =o)

I love my friends... thay are really amazing and in the end no matter what I know that they will always be there for me...

I miss Danielle... she didn't show up and it's ok, I mean she had stuff to do(I know... I'm making an excuse for her) and I respect that...

I gotta say that I hate cleaning up after a party... ugh!!!!

=oP

I'm tired...

Love is unconditional...

That's why I will always be there for you no matter what...

=o)

A bad day?

I guess... I mean I'm hearing of a lot of couples which are on the "break-up"....

I know it's a process of life but I dunno, it's still hard...

I wish I wasn't going through the same thing... I mean I dunno...

I just don't know...

It's just like a bad dream I guess...

=o(

Changes from one year...

Well...

It's been one year since my granny past away and it's been one hell of a roller coaster ride...
I never actually thought that I could've make it this far... ok so maybe I did, just because I know that I'm a punk-ass mofo, who's kinda of a bad-ass... hehe...

Conceited mofo...

Anyhow... I've started my B-day celebrations for this year knowing that I've moved on from that past and I'm ready to face the future no matter what that future is... I've been giving a lot of thought about it, and also taken into cosideration my current situation, and you know what everything will be good.

I love Danielle and that's a fact... I'm no longer afraid of the phone that never rings, because I know my heart belongs to her... I might find others that are better than her, or even make me happier than her, but in the end she is the one that stole it all and took it away. My friendship with her is gonna be everlasting and we will always be wondering souls looking for each other... If it's not meant to be in this lifetime well, that's fate, but I know that we will be bonded together some other time.

=o)

She is my world... She doesn't run it, but she is definitely a big influence in it.

hehe... then I got my b-day party to worry about this weekend...

ooooohhhhh....

It's gonna be fun... How am I gonna survive it... uuuummmm... I have no idea... but it will be definitely one to remember...

=oD

I'm just happy with my life... I've had my up's and down's but overall I'm happy with it...
I guess that's the theme this year...

"Happiness is a bliss... happiness is everything... enjoy every moment of it!!!"

=oP

Sunny Sunday

Oh the day today was perfect... It was sunny and nice, I've miss the days like these one... Reminds me of home...

Anyhow, I took some time by myself and wondered around the city for a bit, just trying to analyze and try to make sense of what's going on with me. Am I doing the right thing? Hhhhhmmmm...

This past weekend I've come to the conclusion that I just cannot be Danielle's friend. I mean I can but it's just that my feelings for her are too strong and she's not looking for that right now and that makes things really hard. I'm just having a hard time right now... I know I can't be the person that she wants me to be, and I know she can't be the person that I want her to be.

Not that it matters but ppl are giving me a hard time. They say I should open up my eyes and look at what's around me, since there's some girl who is showing some interest and I'm not going for it since I'm just shutting myself with D. Even her friend told me I should just walk away. I'm starting to believe that maybe that's the best thing, not only for me but also for her.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

In the end I guess I will just follow my heart, like always... I've been burned before anyways so I have nothing to lose.

I guess I'm just a fool...

I'm afraid now...

Uh oh...
I finally decided that next Saturday I'm gonna go wild and have the much 'anticipated' b-day party at my crib...

Hhhhmmmm...
Personally I think it's kinda of a bad idea but hell... fuck it... I'm doin it...

I just hope that mofo's won't go crazy and break shit... and stuff... I'm crossing my fingers...

=oP

So many things...

Today there are so many things I can think about... so many things about that I can write about...

But still I will stop myself from writing anything about them... I mean there are so so many negative things in my life already that I think the best thing to do is just write about the positive or at just write about something that will not cloud my judgement about the future...

For instance I have come to realize that there are ppl that really do understand what I'm going through and that support me...(thanks Lisa!!!)... There are ppl that will always be with me and will push me and make me realize that the world will always move on...(thanks Suado!!!)...
And of course there is the ppl that will always love and care for me even through our relationship will not work, or at least for the moment... (D, you are truly the love of my life...)

=o]

Anyhow it's hard...

Unfortunately life is all about timing...

I envy those who have found the right time... good for them... I mean I don't have anything against them... I just envy them...

Timing is everything in life apparently... it's just that I never got the memo... until now...

But it's ok...

In the end... I'm no longer afraid of the phone that will never ring... because we both know that my heart belongs to you...

=o)

I love you D...

The moment when you realize...

That things will happen, and that it's pretty much the final stretch...
When you know that no matter what, that one moment you've been hoping will never get here is finally upon you and there's nothing you can do to avoid it.

It finally hit me last nite that Danielle is leaving in almost a month from now. I will miss her a lot... I guess I've grown fond of her, and also I'm so used to her presence that it is gonna be hard.

The only thing that I have for now is just treasure the time that we spend together. It's hard when you miss the person even when they are still here by your side, trust me I've been through before. I know she's coming back... it's just that it's gonna be a long summer...

>_<

Everything will be alright...
=o]

Frustration...

Usually when things happen I am able to just shrug them off and pay no attetion to them, but lately there has been a lot of things that have kept me frustrated...

I've tried to not make a big deal out of it but it's something that each day grows heavier and heavier on me. Make me doubt a lot about myself and wonder if I have made the right decision. Makes me wonder whether I will be able to keep on doing the same thing, I know the solution is simple, although not easy. It sucks when you know it's right there for the taking but you can't because the 'decisions' of other make it almost impossible...

Then again I know I'm not the only one. I know that there are a lot of ppl with the same frustration out there... It's just hard right now for me, since I know I'm losing the opportunities that I have worked so hard for...

Oh well... c'est la vie...

Broke...

Yup...
I'm broke...
It sucks...
I can't even comment on this one right now...
Hhhhmmmm...

Heh...
I rather just laugh...
In the end that's pretty much the only thing I can do...

Oh well...
Heh!

Perdiendo la practica...

Ultimamente me he estado dando cuenta que he estado perdiendo la practica en la gramatica cuando escribo en español... Debido a que no tengo a nadie con quien corresponder en español, hay veces que cuando escribo siento como si lo estuviera aprendiendo. Siento como que estoy de regreso en el colegio y escribo como un imbecil... Ni hablar que por lo regular ya ni pongo las tildes debido a que es un dolor en los huevos estar buscando el codigo correcto para cada uno.

Supongo que podria cambiar el teclado pero tambien eso me da un cacho de hueva de vez en cuando...

De todos modos, hoy en la tarde mientras tuve mi pequeño descanso del trabajo fui a la caminata en favor de los derechos de los indocumentados. Caminando entre la multitud hubo un rato en el que casi me puse a llorar debido a que vi la bandera de Guate, y la 'mara' chapina... En ese momento me puse un poco triste y casi me puse a llorar... De vez en cuando tengo esos momentos en los que extraño la vida que tuve en Guate... Hay hombre... Ni modo para que derramar lagrimas al olvido... Mejor me pongo a pensar que esos fueron los buenos tiempos, y que en algun momento en el futuro algo bueno va a pasar...

=oP

ME siento como un imbecíl escribiendo en español... He perdido la practica!!!
Nnnnnoooooooooo!!!

Que chile!!!!!

hehe...

Te solte la rienda...

"Se me acabó la fuerza

de mi mano izquierda,
voy a dejarte el mundo

para ti solita.

Como al caballo blanco

le solté la rienda
a ti también te suelto

y te me vas ahorita...

Y cuando al fin comprendas
que el amor bonito

lo tenías conmigo.

Vas a extrañar mis besos
en los propios brazos

del que esté contigo.

Vas a sentir que lloras,

sin poder siquiera
derramar tu llanto
y has de querer mirarte

en mis ojos tristes
que quisiste tanto,
que quisiste tanto,
que quisiste tanto...

Cuando se quiere a fuerza,

rebasar la meta
y se ababandona todo

lo que se ha tenido.

Como tú traes el alma

con la rienda suelta,
a ti también te suelto

y te me vas ahorita.

Y cuando al fin comprendas,

que el amor bonito
lo tenías conmigo.

Vas a extrañar mis besos,
en los propios brazos

del que esté contigo.

Vas a sentir que lloras,

sin poder siquiera
derramar tu llanto
y has de querer mirarte

en mis ojos tristes
que quisiste tanto,
que quisiste tanto,
y que quieres tanto...

Se me acabó la fuerza

y te solté la rienda..."

- José Alfredo Jímenez