From the back of my mind...

Main Entry: Fear
Pronunciation: 'fir
Function: verbtransitive senses
1 archaic : FRIGHTEN
2 archaic : to feel fear in (oneself)
3 : to have a reverential awe of
4 : to be afraid of : expect with alarmintransitive senses : to be afraid or apprehensive- fear·er noun

I really would like to think that I don't fear anything really... But the reality of life is that no matter how fearless you think you are there is always something that's gonna get you. Since lately I've been in a 'self retrospect mode' I have tried to analyze my owm personality through the years and ultimately I've come to one conclusion about what I fear the most.

I realize this fear that I have a long time ago, but for years I denied or just tried to shake it off by not thinking about it. But ultimately I think I have to think and try to overcome it because it just won't do any good to just let it be there. The more I try to deny it the more of a problem it will become, and it will eventually come back to bite me in the ass... Trust me I know how this things work... hhmmm...

Anyhow... I think the reason as to why I really like working with kids and sometimes excel at just working my way with them is that I try my best to not be like my parents... Don't get me wrong, I mean they where always there for me, my brother and I were never without a roof, or a hot meal. My mother worked her ass off to put both of us through the best education we could have, but she worked sooo hard that she was never really there for us. My dad, even though separated from my mom tried his best to always be there for us, but in reality he would be nothing more than just an empty seat. I know he tried his best, but I guess all-in-all he was just trying to find himself, as was my mother.

I love them a lot, and although my communication with them is non-existent I wish them both the best of all the world. This is the root of my greatest fear... The fear of someday me becoming a parent and not being able to be mature enough and not ready to provide all that I can provide to my kids. The fear of becoming my parents is the greatest one I have. Not being able to be there when they are in need of me. Trying to be a 'family', even thought there's no bond between the two 'parental' figures. That is truly my greatest fear...

I guess that's why I try to disguise my fear by playing a 'role model' to kids. Trying to be someone who after all I never truly had when I was growing up...'

I am a horrible person...